Gordon quits over suspicious injury

ASSOCIATED PRESS

MIAMI, FL. As predicted, Air JC runningack Lamar Gordon, who wasn't given the starting nod on Sunday, faked an injury early in the game so that he could get a head start to the Steak Escape.

An Air JC spokeswomen had this to say, "We are taking Lamar's shoulder injury very seriously as it is entirely possible he could be done for the season."

The local CBS affiliate in Miami reported on it's evening news that Lamar Gordon was seen signing numerous autographs at the Miami International Mall, home of the only Steak Escape franchise in Miami.

REPORTER: Lamar, how do you explain signing autographs at the Steak Escape here at the mall while your game is still going on?

GORDON: Listen, bee-otch. That SOB Coach didn't give me the starting job this week. He gave it to brothers Shaun-A and J-Lew.

REPORTER: Everyone knows you didn't start, but on the one play you did participate in, you were hauled off the field and appeared to be in a tremendous amount of pain.

GORDON: Geez bitch, it fricking hurt.

REPORTER: Well, Lamar, if it hurt so badly, how come the autograph session here at the mall?

GORDON: Oh that, well the injury didn't hurt. Coach not starting me today's what hurts. To hell with him. To hell with the team. I got me a honky friend that's a docta. I'm gonna have him come in and tell the team I'm all screwed up so I can just spend Sunday's at the 'scape from now on.

That excerpt from the local CBS news in Miami confirms rumors from earlier this week that Lamar was going to give up on his team. His teammates expressed mixed feelings regarding the news.

Team member Mike Vanderjagct, with whom Gordon shared a locker commented, "Hey, now that the bastard's gone, at least I'm going to have my own locker."

Reportedly, Gordon opted to share a locker with a White teammate instead of travelling the extra distance down the corridor to the "Men of Color" facility.

Fellow runningback Shaun Alexander said, "Listen, Lamar's got a darker shade to him, and I don't know if Coach goes for that sort of thing, if you know what I mean."

Coach Carlson's agent, Lesley Barta discussed this racial issue on Carlson's behalf: "Be assured that Coach Carlson and his staff do not have a hidden racial agenda. Look at me, I've got lighter skin that Coach, and he doesn't seem to have a problem with me."

When asked about the segregated locker facilities, Barta offered a simple solution. "Coach Carlson is a stickler for keeping the team chemistry. If our white players knew that our black players had extended genitalia, it very well affect our chemistry negatively."

Tom Brady remains on vacation and could not be reached for comment, however the tanning lotion and the Viagra bottle in his stall were evidence enough that the team's leader may have a case of penis envy.

Vanderjagt said, "Lamar was just so damn lazy, that's why he never wanted to walk the extra distance to the Brother lockerroom. I mean their lockerroom is just as nice as this one, except they get the cool music. Here in the white boy room we've got nothing but Vanilla Ice and Neil Diamond. Down their they've got the Eminem and the Dr. Dre."

Speculation for Lamar's absence in the Men of Color lockerroom abound, but they all seem to center around the fact that Lamar didn't measure up to his negro counterparts.

"Here, take this!", shouted Vanderjagt to a towel boy across the room, as he tossed Gordon's sunscreen bottle out of his locker.

Meanwhile, the Air JC organization needed to win big this week, and win big they did. The permanent departure of Lamar Gordon helps to end controversy within the team, as well as solidify Shaun Alexander as the number one runningback on this championship caliber team.
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The AP Wire is copyrighted by The Associated Press. www.ap.org (c) 2004