James and McNair call Coach Suomala a 'Homer'

ASSOCIATED PRESS

JACKSON HOLE, WY.  After being benched in week 3, Flying Hellfish running back Edgerrin James and quarterback Steve McNair called out head coach Jon Suomala on Monday morning.

When asked about his views on the coach's decision, James, a 6th year back out of the University of Marijuana, said, "I might as well go meet up with my dread-boy Ricky over in Asia and have a puff or two with him."  He continued, "Damn, I mean we were playing the Pack...at home...Damn.  You saw what we did out there in the first half to those long-haired freak cheeseheads and then you saw the Edge getting his roll on in the second half.  Damn."

Speculation is that over the next week or two the coach will be forced to answer questions from Charise, Harriet and Dick as to why the two Denver natives, Quentin Griffin and Jake Plummer got the nod over the proven studs McNair and James.

An unidentified source from the office of the Flying Hellfish was quoted over the phone as stating, "Goo-goo, poo-poo."  This reporter was then rudely hung up on.  Some consider that this comment was directed at Coach Cutts and his squad, but additional follow up calls to the Flying Hellfish office were not answered.

Other members of the Hellfish squad were interviewed, but only the backup Defense/Special Teams squad would go on the record to defend the coaches move.  John Lynch spoke for the Broncos D/ST and said, "We have full confidence in Coach Suomala.  He not only trusts in the Denver cult, but has bought into it and is proof that John Elway's master plan of taking over the entire Mountain time zone is working."  When asked how Elway fit in, Lynch responded, "I bet you didn't know Elway grew up in Montana, and although I am a professional athlete and didn't really study much in school, I believe that Jackson Hole is somewhere between Denver and Montana."

The coach's love for the animated sitcom, 'The Simpsons' is widely known in the Hellfish locker room.  One backup QB who has spent a great deal of time himself on Sundays watching the cartoon was said to have passed knowledge of the coaches fetish on to #1 QB, McNair.

When McNair was asked about this, he became obviously irritated and stated, "First off, what kind of team name comes from a cartoon?  I mean really, team names should come from mammals or fish or birds or even animals.  If coach wants to name our team from a cartoon, we'll name him too....he's a wee little Smurf....no even better, a Homer.  Yea, that's right, a Homer.  Who in their right mind would start the snake over me?  And that fumbler over Edge?  Damn.  Does he know we don't get any points for fumbles?  Damn."

One can only assume McNair was referring to the Denver boys who got the nod in week 3.  One notably absent group of guys from the locker room was the starting group of defense/special teams for the Hellfish.  Some unidentified sources mentioned that late in the week they all decided to take the week off and do some fishing in the Badlands.  One source stated a note was left that said, "Our leader has summoned us, be back in a week".

The local CBS affiliate in Jackson Hole, KSUK, reported on the late Sunday news that home video tapes were circulating that proved the coach's methodology for selecting his starting lineup each week.  KSUK was able to obtain a copy that suspiciously smelled like smoke and cheetos.  The viewpoint appeared to be from the inside of the clubhouse, possibly filmed from inside a locker.  It showed the coach enter the room with the youngest member of the Suomala family in tow.  After looking around, the child and the weekly lineup card were set on the training table.  After the coach was, well, let's say doing some cleaning, he headed across the room to deposit the waste.  The film then clearly showed the young David 'spray' his selection for the lineups for the week.

When presented with this evidence, Edge quickly wiped his suspiciously orange fingers on his jeans and stated, "Man, I felt like I was pissed on, but really, Q was the one that got pissed on.  Damn, what a little Homer"

McNair said, "I guess its kinda funny that 'the snake' got the start cause of, well, you know.

After taking a loss in week 3 to Wong's LD's, a game in which Edge's points would have made for a very close game, the 'Fish sink to 1-2 and relinquish the Bison Division lead to the increasingly walking wounded roster of Air JC.  Up next is a tough week 4 matchup against fellow BIGFFBL father Jason and the Little Red Horse followed by a huge week 5 matchup with elementary school and Bison Division rival Air JC.

It is the opinion of this writer that either little David better work a little harder on his 'aim' or the elder Suomala better take over the starting lineups if the Hellfish want to reach the postseason for the third time in franchise history.
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The AP Wire is copyrighted by The Associated Press. www.ap.org (c) 2004