Team Tang slaps players with fines and suspensions

Breaking News: Team Tang suspends runningbacks DeShaun Foster and Lamont Jordan for being in violation of team rules.

The suspension, confirmed by the commissioner's office as indefinite, is expected to be lifted after Week 3.

Foster, who was also kept out of action in the opening week, was stellar in Week 2, and keeping him out for Week 3 will obviously be a detrimental blow to the team.

Foster commented, saying, "I don't mind if the coaching staff wants to suspend me for a week because I prefer Gatorade to Tang. I just needed a break from that orange piss water."

Coach Jonland refused to comment in depth, however a source close to the team revealed that as soon as Mrs. Jonland approved, the Coach would be availabe for comment. This was confirmed as the Associated Press was able to get a short comment from Coach Jonland as he departed the practice facility on Friday; "No comment, not 'til the missus gives me the all clear."

While everyone knows that Mrs. Jonland wears the pants on this coaching staff, players are becoming increasingly upset that Foster's suspension may not be lifted because the coach seems to be preoccupied with marital duties as of late.

"I understand Coach's enforcement of the rules, but this is getting to be way too much. Coach forgot to submit me as the starter in Week One because he had to return to the Arby's to get some honey mustard sauce for the old lady." In addition to his suspension for consuming banned beverages, Foster was slapped with an undisclosed fine for his comments.

Fellow runningback Lamont Jordan agrees with team sentiment. "Hey, I don't mind if Coach wants me to take a week off because I had a Red Bull on the plane ride, or because the Fost man chugged a Gatorade at halftime last week. I just don't understand why he's only making an example out of a select few."

Others on the team agree that Coach Jonland's head is not in the game.

"Last year, the players and staff were able to build comaraderie, and because of that we were able to squeek out five wins," reported veteran quarterback Daunte Culpepper."

Newcomers to the team this year, Smith brothers L.J. and Rod, commented that they wished they were able to get to know the coach better, like the players in years past.

L.J. commented on the situation, saying, "Dainty was telling us how last year the team got together on Tuesday nights to play some boot hockey, but this new woman that Coach has brought on staff put the kibosh on that right away."

Rod concurred, saying, "Yeah, Dainty-C was telling me how in the offseason the crew would get together at remote hunting ranch to engage activities like drinking, shooting guns, and checking out the local adult entertainment venues. I guess that's just something that us guys aren't going to experience. I mean a hunting lodge dude, what kind of man doesn't enjoy that?"

Unconfirmed reports say that Mrs. J put Coach Jonland in the doghouse for engaging in these male activities, and even forced him to father her child, something he was planning to hold off on.

Meanwhile, assistant coaches Marty and Steve have their own concerns. Offensive coordinator Steve was quoted saying, "I respect a Coach's right to run the team the way he wants, but there's no reason I should have to approve my play calling with Mrs. J and the head coach's mom before I send the play into Daunte."

Culpepper agrees. "Our perverted play calling scheme just isn't working. I mean, Stevo is sending in the play, but getting overruled by the defensive coordinator, who's in cahoots with Mrs. J. Half the time I'm not sure what play I'm supposed to be running because of all the bickering on the headsets, and the end result is oftentimes a fumble."

The AP agrees that if Culpepper is going to put more balls in the air instead of chasing rolling ones, Coach Jonland is going to need to find his way out of the doghouse before divisional play heats up in the coming weeks.
_________________
The AP Wire is copyrighted by The Associated Press. www.ap.org (c) 2004