Part Deux: Return of the politician DUI...

From the healthy, Norton virus protected notebook of your commish.  Tuesday December 13th, 2005 10:27 PM

Rambling after the regular season close...

How about that Duluth mayor.  What does Herbie have in common with Jimmy Carter and George H.W.?  Yea, that's right --- one and done.

So here we are.....7 of you (along with myself) can consider yourself in a place you might not have thought you would be at this point of the season - not unlike McNabb, Owens and Culpepper - on the shelf for the rest of the year.  The other four though will fight it out the next two weeks with the goal of becoming the sixth member in the BIGFFBL Championship row.

That's right none of this years four playoff teams have won a championship.  They have all made the playoffs once before, but only Team GOO recorded a win.....so for those of you attempting to do the mental math gymnastics, these four teams are a combined 1-6-1 in post-season play.  Not quite a "Wongesque" showing.

Speaking of Wong....how did he not make the playoffs?  Well, after looking back, Wong started out 7-2.  Then the poo hit the fan as he went 1-4 down the stretch including huge losses to division foes Tang and GOO.  His only win in those last 5 weeks was a single point victory over Nookie.  Tough road to close out a brilliant BIGFFBL career for the league's all time leader in a whole bunch of stuff -- just check out the records page if you really need proof.

Who else just missed out?  Well, how about those Flying Hellfish and their 8-6 record.....and oh yea, for those of you who didn't notice, Suomala's squad went out fighting with a 3rd best ALL-TIME 171 points in week 14.  Yea, not like the LB's really thought they would win this week, but I'm sure Jonny didn't plan on losing by NINETY-EIGHT POINTS.  Nice work Suomala....

Wow....just saw Letterman's stitches on his hand.  Ouch.  Between his thumb and forefinger.  He says, "I don't want to bore you with the whole story, but it started out - as most of these type of situations do - with me saying, 'I can fix this'."  Anyways....back to the BIG.

Team Nookie was the next team that just missed out.....he finished at 8-6 which is nice but really doesn't do much for him other than screw up his lottery slot for next year.  I guess we could note that he finished 3rd in total points this year and was only 8 behind the top scorer, but then again was only 63 ahead of the 8th highest scorer.

So as you chew on that......let's state that in another way.  There were 8 teams in the BIG this year that scored between 1,412 and 1,483 points.  That, I think anyway, shows just how evenly matched up the majority of our league is over a season......Sure there were those that sucked (ahem, bottom of Bulldog Division and those damn Drunken Sailors), but they only numbered 4.  Am I just trying to show that maybe this league's setup does promote some parity?  Well, maybe, but only if you agree with me - otherwise, you're just digging into this a little too much.

As for the high end of the scorers.....Air JC (yea that's me) took the scoring title for the year which is worth 'jack squat' (come on, for those of you who didn't think Farley there I will expect your resignation from this league before the year is out).  And just why did all those points go to waste?  Well, take this little quiz.....'Who screwed over JC's season this year?'  Was it: a) Aaron Brooks, b) Donovan McNabb, c) Stephen Jackson or d) Eddie George.  I'm tempted to answer b) and d) since one of those two guys has got me damn near every year, but I would be wrong.  The actual answer is a), b) and c).

How about those 4 teams that, well, underperformed this year, to put it nicely.  The LB's tied for their worst season in the league.  Sure Jonny did have 5 wins, but here is who he beat -- JC in week 2, LRH in weeks 7 and 12, the Sailors in week 8 and roommate Juice in week 10.  No wins against 0.500+ teams.  That's the way to really show up for the big games.  Look for the 2004 champion to rebound in '06 with an extra 2nd round pick courtesy of his shrewd mid-season trade of McSuck.

Jason's LRH is next at 4-10.  Not a good year at all for the Horse.  Jason had a great stable of QB's, but just about nothing at RB for the year once Deuce went down with an ACL (anyone read the sports guy and can tell me what I'm thinking here?)  Roy Williams didn't turn out too bad, but Jason's team would have done a bit better with Marvin Harrison had the draft night confusion not occurred.  Never less, at the end of the day (or season, I guess), Jason's career record is back to where he is comfortable.  After starting out his career with four straight 7-7 campaigns, he stepped it up a notch last year with a 10-4.....this year he brought it back to the middle road with a 4-10.  That puts the Horse's career record at a perfectly ordinary 42-42.

How about Juice.....man was that ugly - no, not the deep fried crappy energy bars - I'm talking about your fantasy season.  Juice has been known in this league to make some interesting trades in the past that seemed good at the time but bit him directly in the ass as the season progressed.  Well, this year just added to that as he made the equivalent trade of giving Smith $10 for $7.50.  Well done....and good luck next year with that keeper selection -- maybe you can consult with our golden toilet winner in how to determine a keeper from a stock of players such as yours....

So Mike becomes a back to back golden toilet winner.  I'm sure the wife can console him (or maybe draft his team next year for him) enough to have him ready to go for next year's draft.  Actually, Mike had a good draft, but just made a trade that really really really screwed him and really really really helped Smitty.  At the time I thought the trade was a bit shaky, but only on its potential.  Then, that potential showed when Priest went down.  Here is the trade....Larry Johnson and Jimmy Smith for Jamal Lewis and Lee Evans.  Sure it looks like highway robbery with the hindsight afforded by the present, but at the time it was almost a good deal for Mike.  Just look at it this way, Smith got 61 points out of those two in week 14, Mike got I think about 12.  Ouch.

So your number 1 seed for the playoffs is Smitty who brings in a real nice lineup to make a run at his first title.  It is quite impressive to note that Smitty didn't have Tomlinson, L.Johnson or J.Smith on his team to start with.  Add in Carson/Favre, Carnell Williams, Joe Horn and that Shockey guy and this team is just like Pamela Anderson.

Then there is Rico's GOOOOO who started out 0-3 and finished up 9-2.  The HUGE question mark for Rico is whether Peyton will get enough snaps to pull the 30 fantasy points Rico needs to compete in our playoffs.  He'll get enough points from his so-so RBs Bell and Brown and his stud WR Larry Fitzgerald, but Peyton is the key for Rich.

Who would have thought that Jonny would make the postseason without Daunte.  And even more impressive is that Jonny held on for two huge wins down the stretch with essentially NO QB.  It is damn hard to win in this league with no points from the QB position and with Daunte, Leftwich and Volek on his roster, Jonny was screwed.  He's used all his FA's, so only a McNair injury would leave a chance for some QB points in the semifinals.  He'll have to lean on Clinton and Jordan (that's Portis and LaMont, not Bill and Michael) and his solid solid solid WR's Boldin and Kennison/Engram.  Randy McMichael will contribute and Josh Brown is good for a chunk each week.  In the end though....making up for those lost QB points is gonna be tough for the Tang.

Finally....Jugsie grabbed the number 2 seed.  An amazing season for the Superior considering all the injuries and 'stick a fork in me' type comments from Jugs.  Look at the QBs (Plummer, Harrington, E.Manning), RBs (T.Jones, Duckett, Benson, S.Davis), WRs (Burleson, Holt, Wayne, Burress), TEs (Gonzo, Stevens) -- and don't forget the Bears D.  And this is after dropping the Priest.  His strength is obviously in his receiving corps.  It will be hard for the rest of the playoff teams to match up with Holt/Wayne/Gonzo.  Jugs is weak and inconsistent at the RB postion though and that is where his championship will be won or lost.

So that is where we are at.....early prediction from me is a Jugs/Smitty championship -- but we almost always have crazy occurrences in the BIGFFBL postseason.

How about a little comedy courtesy of some dirty old men (even older than Jason....)

As a final test of their will and dedication, four soon-to-be (fill in your desired religion) priests were lined up buck naked at the rear of the church.  The head priest explained to them that the reason they were standing there with a bell attached to their manhood was to ensure their minds and hearts were in fact pure.  After the explanation, a beautiful woman entered the room and de-robed in front of the four.  As she walked by the first three, nothing peculiar happened, but as she walked by the fourth, his bell began to ring almost uncontrollably.  Finally, the bell shook off and rolled across the cobblestone floor of the old church.  The young priest, deeply embarrassed, quickly stepped across the room towards the fallen bell.  His embarrassment soon faded as he bent over to pick up his bell and heard the other three bells begin to chime.

Need I say more?

BIGFFBL senior writer Jeremy Carlson sounds off whenever he feels like it on www.bigffbl.com