Turkey, Football, Naps - a perfect long weekend...

From the healthy, Norton virus protected notebook of your commish.  Tuesday November 25th, 2008 8:59 PM

Rambling after Weeks 12...

We have made it to another Turkey Day.  Enjoy the day off (if your schedule allows that) and the food and what not.  We Carlsons will be doing the usual - meeting, eating and sleeping at Kehtel Road.

Deer season has passed and was a slow one in northeastern Minnesota.  My season was definitely a good example - no shots fired and very few deer even seen.  I spent more time in the woods than in any previous year, and saw fewer deer than any previous year....go figure.  Neverless, my dad shot 2, so I do have some venison in the freezer for this year.

I'm going with a short Ramblings this week, and was requested to do an analysis of the tiebreakers since the Bison Division is bunched so tight along with the wildcard.  So here are everyone's chances as best I can figure at this time of day.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck

#12 - Scottie (1-11).  No chance.  The wIZards close against Juice and Jugs.  Juice is officially out of the running for the playoffs, but Jugs has a chance.  Scottie still can play spoiler and to look back at the way our league seems to pan out - would be fitting to knock Jugs out of the playoffs with his 2nd win of the year.

#11 - Juice (5-7).  Juice is out of the playoffs.  It's a bit surprising he's made it to 5-7, I'd like to take some credit for that, but I really didn't draft the team.....it was straight off the list.

#10 - Tang (5-7).  Jonny would still have a shot but can not win the tiebreaker for the wildcard.  He'd need to beat Jugs and Juice and pretty much be the top scorer in the league both weeks and would still be short on overall wins.

Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.
Kevin James

#9 - Nookie (5-7).  Ben closes up against the LB's and Jason, a couple of 6-6ers.  Unfortunately for Ben, he's in the same boat as Jonny.  Just not good enough early in the season to have a chance to win that tiebreaker.  Still a spoiler though with Jon and Jason hopeing for that wildcard spot.

#8 - Sailors (5-7).  Mike also falls into the category with the rest of the 5-7 teams.  No chance.  Mike can not win the Bison, nor can he get the wildcard.  Mike will have a chance to essentially knock Jason out of the playoffs in week 13 and will play a meaningless game in week 14 against Kinger.

#7 - Voluntary Donkeys (6-6).  Jason is right on pace to get to 7-7 again, but would hope to hit for 8-6 and the wildcard (he's gonna need 8-6 and help since he can't win the tiebreaker).  With matchups against a couple of eliminated teams in Ben and Mike, that is a possibility.  Then again, those teams are just as likely to throw up a big number as anyone else.  In fact, Ben has been 135+ the last two weeks to go along with his three 50'ers this year.

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
Irv Kupcinet

#6 - The Little Bastards (6-6).  Jon finishes with Ben and Suomala.  The LB's have a pair of 138's on the board this year (the 4th and 5th best scores in the league this year).  One win gives him a chance, but even two wins won't guarantee a playoff spot.

#5 - Fantasy Superior (6-6).  Jugs is having a rough stretch here.  Losing this past week to Suomala while seeing JC squeak by Mike surely irritated that ulcer a little.  Ending with Jonny and Scottie will help, but he'll have to win the division outright since both JC and Suomala hold the division tiebreaker and significant wildcard tiebreakers over Jugs at this point.

I think the best Thanksgiving I ever had was the one where we didn’t even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and explained that business hadn’t been good at Dad’s store, so we couldn’t afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine. Later I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom to thank them, and I caught them eating a little turkey. I guess that wasn’t really the best Thanksgiving. - Jack Handey

#4 - Suomala's Flying Fish (6-6) are sitting in a similar seat to the Superior.  He's gotta finish with Smitty and the LB.  Beating the Bastards would be a huge boost, but to win the division, Suomala needs to beat JC outright or take the division in a tiebreaker over Jugs.

#3 - Air JC (7-5).  I'll admit it...a lucky win in week 12 gave JC a huge break and a small cushion when heading down this two week stretch run.  Closing with the two best teams in the league, Smitty and Kinger does not help at all.  Having the division tiebreaker and also the wildcard tiebreaker (at least at this point) does.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.

#2 - Fat British Pigeons (9-3).  Smith is in the playoffs and gets to play spoiler.  He'll take on Suomala and JC, both teams pushing to take the Bision Division, and if not, the wildcard.  Looking for a reason to not "rest the starters", Smitty is looking for his third 11 win season - which would be a league record.

#1 - Last, and NOT least, is Kinger (11-1).  No one has ever won 13 in this league.  12 wins has only happened twice.  Jack only has JC and Mike in the way of that league record.  With Jack's lineup, my money - unfortunately - would be on Kinger to rewrite our history books a little.

Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.
It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful 'in general.' It's very strange. It's a little like being married in general.

So....to summarize.

Kinger and Smitty are your Husky and Bulldog Champions.

Scottie has earned his first career trophy.

Russell Baker
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with 'gourmet' status.

Bision Division - JC holds the tiebreaker over all, with Suomala holding a breaker over Jugs.  Mike has been eliminated from the playoffs.

Wildcard - Best as I can tell (and with a bunch of 6-6 teams it is a bit convoluted) JC, Suomala, Jugs, Jason and Jon C are all in the race.  One of them will win the Bison Division and one the wildcard.  We'll nail down the chances a week from today in next week's column.

Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

Hey, we are only a couple weeks away......IF THE PLAYOFFS WERE TODAY-AY-AY-AY......

• Bulldog Champ - Fat British Pigeons
• Bison Champ - Air JC
• Husky Champ - Kinger
• Wildcard Winner - Flying Hellfish

Good luck ya'll in week 13 (except for the Smitty and the rest of the Bison)

And for this week's final word....

Jon Stewart
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Need I say more?

BIGFFBL senior writer Jeremy Carlson sounds off whenever he feels like it on www.bigffbl.com