"From the Home Office"....
In Houghton, Michigan...
From the healthy, Norton virus protected notebook of your commish.
Tuesday November 18th,
2003 6:00 PM
Rambling after week 11...
Theme this week...vikings lose, oh wait, that's the new theme of every week.
ed: I did not change a single letter in the above line from last week. God willing it'll change next week
So Vikings fans...when shall we all jump ship and go find some cheese? For those of us Proctor guys it shouldn't be too hard since we have worn the colors of the Pack in battle before. For Jason...maybe he should just be a Seahawk fan or something.
This week's theme is a little slice of Papa Letterman, a top ten list. And although it was originally geared towards baseball, I have taken some liberties and squeezed it to make it work for the NFL too.
The top ten things that will get you suspended by the National Football League
10. Secretly switching the Gatorade with the urine samples
Maybe, just maybe that is what happened to the Vikings D. Man, I don't know what to think anymore. As I watched the Packers take it to the "Defending Champions" (HEAVY on the 'defending') on Sunday, I watched all the updates as J.B. kept cutting in to tell me that slippery fingers couldn't do anything right, like I needed the reminder from a guy sitting in L.A.. It has come to my mind more than once that there is a simple solution to this Dainty issue...and it would probably come pretty cheap. Hire Mr. Scott Smith and get him down on the sidelines yelling, "HANG ON TO THE BALL" every time The Curse puts it on the turf. I think he'd be all over that for a half dozen season tickets and a case of high life....money well spent if you ask me.
9. Inviting some guys you met at the Port Authority to come shower with the team
My day got somewhat brighter as I read the headline..."Breaking News - Keyshawn is deactivated for the rest of the season". I laughed out loud. Man, good times. Do you think Chucky had a little smirk on his face as he thought that one up at 4:30 am over his second cup of joe...I bet he did. The only better move would have been replacing Keyshawn with Sapp....but I guess we can't get everything we want in life.
8. Using the big screen to give entire crowd the finger
Chad Johnson said he is done making guarantees. I say yea right. He is related to Keyshawn remember so in about 2 seasons he'll be doing no playing and just talking. That makes me think that now that Key has nothing to do on Sundays, he is bound to end up on one of the pregame shows. Please please please let it be CBS cause its not like anyone actually watches that show anyway. But for the sake of arguement let's say it's ESPN. God himself could not fit the ego of Keyshawn in the same room as Mike Irvin. After watching a hour of those two sitting side by side, you'd probably be brainwashed to think that WR's secretly run the galaxy from a clandestine bunker miles beneath the surface of the earth somewhere.
7. Having a completion percentage lower than your blood alcohol level
Yea, I know that McMahon is out of the league, but there's always McNair. Did you all see that the NFL is putting heat on ESPN for "Playmakers"? It sounds like the only way the show will come back for a second season is if its toned down and more let's say enlightened in the view of the NFL. Yea, I was getting sick of all the stuff they were making up about the NFL (drugs, drinking, doping, breaking laws, domestic abuse), hopefully next year they get to the real stuff (volunteering, reading novels, philanthropy, helping old ladies across the street, etc.)....yea right, the NFL needs to wake up and see the reality that they pretty much (and I LOVE to generalize) have a bunch of druggie convicts running around on Sundays.
6. You've used too much pine tar and it ain't on your bat
I just couldn't change that one....pretty funny as it is.
My thoughts on A-Rod winning MVP. He's good. Delgado got screwed. I'm ok with it cause at least a Yankee didn't win.
As for the A.J. trade to the Giants. Excellent move. 1) They don't have to pay him a ton of money to resign. 2) Mauer will be BETTER...just watch. 3) We got some solid pitching back. 4) We can now get rid of LaTroy (don't let the door hit you...). 5) He went to a NL team so he can't hurt us too bad. 6) We can sign Shannon now (god I hope so). 7) Pohlad, the fans and the players are all happy.
5. For the last several games, you've punted in a delightful cocktail dress
Let's recap some BIGFFBL action.
In the Bulldog Division...
The LB's bouce back to win #9 and become the first to clinch a playoff postion.
Juice's weak outing results in a loss to the Horse, but still holds an important 2 game lead in the wildcard race.
Jason's pursuit of 7-7 moved a step in the right direction as Torry Holt continues to shine. As I've said for the last few weeks...."He can't do it again this week, can he?"
And Smitty is at the bottom...still in contention for a toilet, but with a win this week over Rolling Greens rival Juice could muddy up the wildcard race.
On to the Husky Boys...
Nookie's team might return from their two week vacation in week 12. Ben needs a win since what looked like an insurmountable lead has shrunk enough to give Wonger, yep that's right, hope (let me stress SLIM hope) at a playoff spot.
Wonger who has been powered by his newly acquired boys Rudi and Gonzo the last couple weeks is making a charge at Nookie. But, my guess is that he will finish similar to his GRE score from yesterday.
Jonny Tang (heck of a porn-star name if you ask me) has to have the most stressful Sundays out of all of us. He had to 1) keep the Curse and also 2) cheer for the Vikings to win. It's a tough spot to be in since either Dainty will do good cause the Vikes are behind or the Vikes win and Culpepper just has to hand off to Bennett all day long.
How can Rico not be doing well with Ahman and Good Deuce? Well, when he starts a guy that should be in the Mr. Universe competition along side a guy that was cut in the middle of the year at WR...that pretty much sums it all up.
4. During "Star Spangled Banner," you do a slow, seductive striptease
Next up is the Bisons...(I know - it sounds just as wrong as deers and geeses and mices)
Jugs will run away with this one....and I'll keep the 2004 toilet warm for ya cause next year will be no cake walk for the "Fantasy Superior". I'm curious to know how many of the BIGFFBL championships have been determined by Terrell owens changing teams in a midseason trade?
Then there is Mikey who I believe has his team held together with more prowrap and athletic tape then Eddie George and Jerome Bettis combined. Brettski just keeps winning and Tiki continues to be the only thing worth talking about from the G-Men. Other than that, with Heap hurt and the Dallas D reverting to last year's form, Mikey will tred just enough water to stay out of the toilet.
Suomala....ouch man. Look at the guys he has on his roster currently: Gannon, Brees, Griese, Garner, Bad Duce, Marvin and Peerless. There's more, but I don't want the homicide rate in Wyoming to increase too much.
Last and, yes, least is Air JC. Here is my season in a nutshell. McSuck. Didn't pick up Boldin. Drop Dunn for Buckhalter (Dunn puts up 2 - 150+ yarders, Buckhalter is featured back for all of 5 quarters). Drop Muhammed (instead of Old Man by the Sea Rice) for McCardell, Musin grabs 9 for 180 this week. Why not cap it off with my first gold toilet for the trophy case.
3. Wearing your cup outside your pants
How about some F**kers notes...
Spade Division....
Heggen, just quit teasing me and clinch the damn division already. I know I won't catch you.
Club Division....
Would either Juice or Kern just take the reins and run with it? It's like you're both scared of being shot in the back or something. First Kern takes the lead, then Juice makes a big run to take over and now the tables have turned once again.
Diamond Division....
Hmmm....Commish in 1st and dominating....conspiracy theory? Naa...just think if "Frerotte-gate" had gone Longsie's way, his head would be swelled up so big that PK would have to tunnel into the studios just to find his desk.
Heart Division....
The Laniacs....Led by Dainty's huge games (I think we need bigger penalties for turnovers) balanced out by Eddie George's crap games, Lagergren and Salgy appear ready to be crowned the first division winner eliminated in the playoffs.
2. Hitting for the cycle with the umpire's (or referee's) wife
Time for Wong...
Quote of the Week -- "We've got to go beat Detroit. Two weeks ago, it was
about going on the road and trying to win, and that did not work. Now we
have to just find a way to win... . It's been a rough four weeks. It's
baffling.'' – Mike Tice -- Yea, Detroit sucks so bad that last week's game wasn't even televised up here. And this is their home state (although it is debateable whether the UP should be part of Canada or even Lake Superior) Enough said.
I remember Tice talking about the “Duh” offense, but this is the “Duh”
comment of the week.Well, we all know that Mooch won't be outcoached this week.
Oh, how fast things can change. About a month ago, JC was talking about the
Vikings being 14-0 when they face Kansas City. Now all you hear about are
conspiracy theories of Red moving the team and how Daunte conned the Vikings
into giving him a $102 million contract. The thing is, I don’t know how
Tice can fix this problem. I don’t exactly know why Chris Clairborne is now
either being pancaked or hooked on every other play. I don’t exactly know
why Aaron Elling makes us long for the geriatric Gary Anderson. I do not
exactly know why Daunted is throwing the ball to wide-open cornerbacks. So
many questions that have so few answers. Yet, I do know the following
things: --
1) If Red wants a new stadium, he has the right Governor in office to make
it happen. Yet, unless he is willing to pay for most of it himself, the
Vikings have to make the playoffs. If they do not and Red still wants the
stadium, is Mike Tice on the chopping block? You know, in economics you
learn everyone has a price in which they would do something they would not
normally consider. Would Red put up the money to bring in a, say, Bob
Stoops or Nick Saban? Just some food for thought there.-- Question is would any successful college coach in their right mind leave the NCAA ranks to be "Spurrierized"?
2) If Red wants to move the team to LA, he will sure have a tough time doing
it. First, he will need approval from 2/3 of the NFL owners. Will Al Davis
of the Raiders and Mr. Spanos of the Chargers let that happen? In addition,
would the owners pass up the opportunity for an expansion franchise? An
expansion franchise would make sense for one reason: money. Do you think
the owners would rather have Red move the Vikings to LA for a small
transition fee and lose revenue or would they rather have an extra team
paying over a billion dollar expansion fee that all owners will get a piece?
As Nelly says, “hey, it must be the money!!”-- Please, no more Nelly references
3) Moreover, do not worry about Daunte. When he is on his game, he is very
good. One bad game does not change that. However, if this type of play
becomes routine, the Vikings will not wait out the full 10-years of his
contract. Remember, in the NFL, contracts are not fully guaranteed.
Therefore, if they decide to get rid of him, they pay him the original
signing bonus and that year’s salary and not a penny more.-- I better not turn 30 before Daunte is gone.
4) The Vikings will have a much better chance to win if the flow of the game
allows them to run the ball more than pass it.-- Straight from Mr. Obvious.
Bengals, Texans or even the Cardinals...
In other MN sports news, let me comment on the Twins trading away AJ
Pierzynski. I say it is a very good trade for three reasons. First, it
saves money to allow the Twins to either keep Eddie or Shannon. Second, the
Joe Mauer era should not wait any longer. Third, in getting Joe Nathan, the
Twins are getting one of the best setup men in baseball. In my mind, you
can never have enough pitching. It all points to a swan song to Latroy.
Which is just as well since he doesn’t seem too appreciative that the Twins
were paying him around $2 million a year when his ERA was around 7.00.-- I have already covered this...
I would like some update on how this deer-hunting season is going. Are
there too many deer?-- Good question...yes, there are too many deersies.
Finally, a word of advice for those of you who are thinking of taking the
GRE, learn a lot of new words, especially big ones.-- For example, one of the words on the list is: fulmination, as in, If the Vikings do not fix up Culpepper somehow, I'll organize a fulmination until something happens.
That’s all for this week. Hopefully I’ll see you this Thanksgiving.-- Same here...I'm back in Duluth this Thursday...Ground Round for the game on Sunday?
That's all from Wonger...
And the number 1 thing that will get you suspended from the National Football League is;
1. Spiking yourself
Need I say more?
BIGFFBL senior writer Jeremy Carlson (TEQ) sounds off whenever he feels like it
on www.bigffbl.com