A Quarter Century....
Rambling after week 2...
As I sit on my couch watching a computer animated version of Siegfried, Roy and Donkey while eating a piece of cake and drinking a beer on my 25th birthday, its hard to not think that America is quite a place. I spent most of the day on the campus of Michigan Tech and during the early evening played a hour and a half of some great pickup basketball. But I'm quite sure that none of you tuned in to read my daily diary so...
On to the football talk.
In respect of the actions of the two younger Carlsons from last weekend, this column will contain some rules for a West Wing related drinking game - it may not quite hold up to an Edward Scissorhands related drinking game, but hey, write your own column if you don't like it. It may take you the whole season of the show to learn the rules good enough to not need the list, but the good news for you is that there are two remaining seasons of the show so your time will be well spent.
Everytime Charlie smiles, take a sip.
Everytime Bartlet quotes the Bible, take 2 sips.
Everytime CJ kicks ass, take 5 sips.
Everytime Joey signs, take 2 sips.
Everytime Abby is pissed, take 2 sips.
So we are finished with week two of the BIGFFBL season and parity seems to be the rule. Eight squads are sitting at 1-1 with two each at 2-0 and 0-2. Surprises? Well, Juice's 139 average is pretty impressive and Mike's 130+ against average is quite insane, but I think the early surprise of the season is seeing the LB's at 0-2. The LB has had a brutal start out of Freddy and Gonzo and even McSuck's bright start wasn't able to overcome Air JC's injury riddled squad in week 2. I would look for the LB to stop digging himself a hole and make a strong run at the ever-difficult Bulldog Division.
Everytime there is homosexual tension between Josh
and Sam, take a shot.
Everytime Josh and Donna flirt, take one sip.
Everytime the episode is named after a song, take 5 sips.
Everytime any character starts to wax poetic about the american people and the
future and gets that glazed look in their eyes, take 3 sips.
Everytime CJ is in an evening dress, take a shot.
You know those news teasers with the anchor guy and a headline for a couple seconds? They just had one here in Houghton and the guy said, "What's being done on the campus of Michigan Tech to curb the problem of binge drinking? Tune in at 11:00." I'm guessing the only way to ensure that is to promise busloads of Swedish bikini team girls every weekend in exchange for the beers....but just guessing that isn't quite the case - on the flip side, it would solve the university's problem of decreased enrollment too.....man, why am I not making the decisions here, we'd be bigger than Texas A&M.
Everytime Toby yells, take one sip.
Everytime there is a slow-mo dramatic walking hero shot, take 5 sips.
Everytime Mrs. Landingham talks about diets and nutrition/food take a sip.
Everytime CJ is outwitted, the person who catches it delegates 5 drinks to the
person of their choosing.
After a couple weeks now, most fantasy teams are quite riddled with injuries. Deuce McAllister, Steve Smith, Joey Galloway, Charles Rodgers, Kellen Winslow (woo-hoo! cocky SOB deserved that one), Joe Nedney, Shaun Alexander, Michael Bennett, Tommy Maddox, Todd Heap, yada yada yada. Makes a guy not want to open up ESPN.com on a Monday morning. You used to just have to worry about the old bye weeks screwing you, but if your guy is only missing one week, that doesn't sound like too bad of a deal to some teams in this league. Just to have some fun, looking back at this year's draft, Nookie's 4th, 6th, 8th, 9th, 10th and 14th rounders are either hurt or cut. Wow. Its always said that a team is made in the middle rounds, well, if that is true, this team is in trouble big time. But we all know what happened this week to Nookie....
Everytime CJ is right, take 3 sips.
Everytime there is metaphoric framing, take a sip.
Everytime someone calls CJ by her full name, take a sip.
Everytime Josh smacks the top of the doorframe, take a sip.
Everytime someone says "thing," take a sip.
So after the big trade last week made by Nookie, Jugs made a stink. And not the nice kind of SBV stink, but a full blown, piss off a skunk, don't shower for a week and sit in Seinfeld's BO car stink. Fittingly enough, the fantasy gods foresaw this event and scheduled a matchup of Nookie vs. the Superior in week 2. Also, whether it was fate, karma or just bad gouda, Nookie took down the Superior whose team is being drug down hardcore by the struggling KC offense (read: Priest Holmes). He'll get his 20 TD's, but he'll get them all in a total of 7 games....that equates to 7 wins for the Superior which in the past would probably win the Bison Division outright, but with the 'Fish and JC looking pretty good out of the gate, probably won't get it done this year. So what did we learn? Well, don't label someone Team Quitter after week 1 and, more importantly, don't jump all over someone for making a trade....unless you want to piss off the fantasy gods who pretty much control the ups and downs of our lives for a solid quarter of the year.
Everytime they show that pretty outdoors shot of the
White House, take a sip.
Everytime Josh appears in jeans, take a sip.
Everytime Leo yells "Margaret!" or Josh yells "Donna!!", take a sip.
Everytime Donna does that chewing the lip thing, take a sip.
The next question is....is Team Juice for real? His starters are very very
good.....but looking deeper at his team, the depth is just not there (except at
the kicker position). He looks solid now, but with the way this year is
going, an injury here or there could really give Jason's Little Red Horse a nose
up on the Bulldog Division. Then again, Jason doesn't have a ton of depth
either. The question is, which team does? With the new injuries,
Jonny's Team Tang roster has a ton more depth. DeShaun Foster along with
Roy Williams give Jonny a very solid team. Another team with some great
depth is Rico's GOO. Yes, that is right fellas, Rico has more depth than
almost all of you. He may have some pretty good trade bait with his QB's
for later in the year if needed. (Jugs will probably dispute these claims,
but hey, go for it...)
And the final set of rules for the game....
Everytime they use their Secret Service code names,
take 3 sips.
Everytime there is the threat of war, you have to scream "DUCK AND COVER", get
under a desk/chair/etc. and take a shot.
Everytime the bouncing ball appears, take a shot and bounce wildly around the
room
Everytime there is an assassination attempt, take 5 sips standing up, spin
around 5 times, take 5 more sips, spin around 5 more times and repeat this
process until you fall to the ground "dead".
Now how about some things I think I think....
Marshall Faulk and Mike Martz are washed up....
Isaac Bruce and Curtis Martin sure are not....
Daunte Culpepper has never been coached the fundamentals of playing QB. I'd be willing to bet that if Scott Smith was on the sidelines yelling 'hold on to the ball' constantly, Dainty would not be the NFL's all time leader in average fumbles lost per game. (and I bet if I looked back in the Ramblings archives, I'd find that I make this suggestion each and every year....usually saying that the Vikings wouldn't have to spend much to get Smitty to roam the sidelines down at the Dome)
Who had 7 in the pool on, 'years in the NFL till Randy Moss matures'?
What was the over/under back in the 70's of Morten Anderson's expected NFL lifespan? I'm guessing it was WAY less than 340 games.
Dave Hylla's 3-0 win on Friday night could have been the most boring football game ever viewed in northern Minnesota....then again, that was trumped by ESPN's Sunday Night matchup between the Dolphins and Bungles....uglyness, someone turn on the offense switch.
I, and my sister, pulled an amazing Saturday afternoon doubleheader last weekend. The breakdown of the impressive timeline went as follows:
And the night could have been the mythical triple header. A third friend of ours was to get married on the same day at about 2ish and have the reception in the other ballroom at Greysolon. It would have been crazy, but alas, we were not given the opportunity due to a change of plans by the bride.
Conan may be one of the media geniuses of our day. A teaser was just on with Conan interviewing Tiger. His question: 'Do you ever play minigolf?' Brilliant I say....I bet you all are extremely curious as to his answer, cause I'm strangely intrigued myself.
The final thought of the night.....another birthday in the books....glad to be here at 25 and hope to still be typing these columns to all you folks at 105.
Need I say more?
BIGFFBL senior writer Jeremy Carlson sounds off whenever he feels like it on www.bigffbl.com