Life is Just a Kick in the (_____)...
Ok boys and girls. It's another TEQ, I'm coining the phrase "Tuesday Evening Quarterback", ramblings coming to you from the your highly emotional commissioner (or doormat as most of you know me). With an 0-2 start in the BIGFFBL scoring 128 points....that's cumulative for two weeks, and a 1-3 start in the F**kers (thank god I beat Packers Suck), Air JC is really feeling the pain. Mostly that pain is extremely related to Donovan "I suck" McNabb.
But enough about me (for now). Let's get on to what really matters....and that is getting all the weird thoughts out of my head and onto this computer screen. Last week you may remember that I asked for some questions from the audience that I could put some answers too.....well apparently my audience is A) a bit smaller than I had originally anticipated and B) a bit lazier than I had originally planned for. Really I could just save myself some time and send a single email out west towards "da Hole" in the only state left in the union that I believe allows open bottles inside of moving vehicles (someone should tell them that these things called internal combustion engines have been invented and it's not totally safe to be nippin while sittin behind the wheel). So anyways, I'll pull the old trick of hoping I accumulate enough "letters" to put together a JC's Mailbag segment sometime later in the season....or just look for it sometime near the time my first social security check rolls in.
This week I will give my thoughts on the NFL season thus far. I'll go through each team in no particular order....as I think of them and match them with a character from Seinfeld (for those of you who do not yet know, this column is regularly filled with Seinfeld and Simpsons references....if that bothers you leave now and NEVER come back....thank you, come again). My goal is to do every team but most likely I'll get about 10 and either run out of thoughts or just get lazy and go to bed.....
Minnesota Vikings (Cosmo Kramer)....SKOAL baby!!! (I apologize for the useage of the exclamation points, I sincerely hate when people do that and you have permission to kick me square in the yoo-hoos if I use them again this season....UNLESS the men in purple make it to the Super Bowl). 2-0 in the division.....gonna be 3-0 cause the Lions suck. I look for Daunte to challenge for the NFL triple crown.....MVP, Pro-Bowl and most fumbles by a QB in a leading role....ok, no more award show references either. And the best part is that I've seen both of the games so far.....too bad late in the year I'll be forced to watch the Lions lose yet another game on FOX-Marquette, MI.
Speaking of....Detroit Lions......(Newman). You know the way Jerry says his name and acts when he sees him? That's how I feel whenever I have to watch that stupid team play on Sundays. And I am the type of NFL fan that I will still watch them no matter how bad it hurts. Kinda like looking at the sun....they tell you not to but every once in a while you still have to take a look.
Them Green Bay Cheeseheads. (Bizarro world Jerry). I think that if I was born in another place in a correlated universe, I could be a Packer fan. But until Doc Brown can explain the concept of the space time continum to me, I'll have to be happy with saying..."PACKERS SUCK" (I was tempted to use the illegal punctuation but I'll refrain...and my boys thank me)
Da Bears.....(David Putty). You know the type, kinda slow and dumb looking but some people still like them. I'd say that epitomizes the Bears pretty well.
Off to the Tennessee Titans (Steinbrenner). I chose him cause he gets lots of credit for the success and he doesn't do too much if you ask me. I used to think that McNair was just a stud but I changed my mind after Monday night, week 1. The reason the Titans click is their D and their crowd....those fans were awesome, can you imagine them inside a dome? The roof would pop off from the noise.
The New York football Giants. (George Costanza). Tell me it's not fitting. A team from the big apple who always have high expectations but always underachieve. I just wonder if Jim Fassel's lives with his parents and gets verbally berated by any woman he tries to pick up on the streets of East Rutherford.
How about the J-E-T-S..suck suck suck. (Morty Seinfeld). They're living in the past. Vinnie at the QB, what is this 1993? Curtis Martin still supposedly a good RB? Whoever thinks that must also think Eddie George is worth of a starting spot in a fantasy league....man I hate my team.
Denver Broncos (Jay Peterman). All the elegance and tradition of Denver and they got Jake "Owie my shoulder hurts" Plummer? This is like Peterman being forced to peddle cheap Rolex knockoffs in the dirt streets of Myanmar (that's Burma to you and me).
On to Indianapolis Colts. (The Bubble Boy). Doesn't it seem like they're always complaining about something? Either the defense isn't good enough or the kicker is a retard or the QB doesn't know his a** (this is a family show folks) from his tight end (Long mentioned that he occasionally laughs out loud at himself when writing these extremely ridiculously long things.....yea, I just did when writing "tight end"....it's been a long day).
The Baltimore Ravens. (Elaine Bennez). I absolutely hate the dancing of Ray Lewis and Company. For those of you who have seen Elaine's "Witchy Woman" dance, you know what I'm talking about.
The Holmgren Project....(Jerry). You think about them and kinda chuckle. No matter how good they play, you always look at them and laugh saying to yourself, they can't be for real, no NFL team can have success with those guys on the team and with a glorified seagull as their mascot, but somehow the team (and show) works.
Oakland Raiders. (The old physical trainer Jerry had for a while.....you know, the guy that kept saying, "you want a piece of me?") That, for those of you who are 1) still reading this drivel and 2) have even one iota of an idea of what I am talking about, will be the scene from the west side of the bay for the 3 Musketeers (Gannon-Brown-Rice) by the 13th week.
The Bungles. (Baboo). "You are very very bad. Very very very bad" - that's with a Pakistani accent of course.
Pittsburgh Steelers. (Banya). To me the Steelers are the annoying guy in the room who you can't get rid of. Somehow they keep winning. I can just hear Cowher in the locker room....."That's was gold fellas....gold."
Cleveland Browns. (Susan). Oh wait, she's dead. The Browns are not....yet.
St. Louis Rams. (Mr. Kruger). They have all that talent and spent all that money but will not recognize that all they have to do is get a coach, ANY different coach and they will be playing late into January. Apparently they are happy to just run the team into the ground.
Well that's 16 which is about 12 more than I thought I'd get. Mostly because I myself am too lazy to get on the internet and look up some more Seinfeld peeps, but don't worry, I have more to go with....
This is more of a story, just to let you know that these types of things are happening in the Northland, maybe even in your backyard. On Sunday after the Lions had taken a whoopin and before the Vikes were going to dish one out, I headed up to the SDC (no that is not the latest STD, it is the Student Development Complex at Michigan Tech). Yea, I know it sounds like they do some sort of weird human cloning research there but it's just the sports complex. The PWT final day weigh in was going on at the ice arena and admission was free so I figured what the heck, I'd rather go check that out rather than watch the rest of my crappy team lose. Oh, what is the PWT you ask? Well, I like to think I know quite a bit about all the acronyms of sport. You have the easy ones like NBA, NHL, MLB, NFL then there's the PBA and PBR and ASAP, but I had never seen the PWT before. It is of course the Professional Walleye T_____. Now how would you fill in the blank? I would think Tour....it makes sense, conforms with the rest of the sporting world's abbreviations, but no, it stands for Trail. Apparently this walleye "trail" is Hwy 2 since the last event was over in Baudette. Anyway, they had a big setup down on the rink and the stands were full of what may have been the largest congregation of Yoopers since the last "Polka's Greatest Hits" giveaway down at the local bait shop. There were many many many more people in the crowd than for any MTU hockey game I had ever been to (which really tells you that we have a stellar hockey program). It was just like the starting lineups were being announced at The United Center, all that was missing was Ray Clay. Well, him and the semblance of anyone of athletic build. These anglers would sit in their boats and throw hats, teeshirts, etc into the crowd as they were pulled around the rink. Then, they would stop and dramatically pull their walleyes out of the old livewell. Some were impressive, some were humorous (think about a 50+ year old fat white guy trying to be dramatic while pulling a 17 inch walleye out of the livewell in front of 4000+ fans). The best moment was when a 7 pounder was being shown off and then was dropped to the ice below.....knocked it self out cold (another out loud laugh by yours truly). So after 50 of these boats did their "victory lap" the contest was over. Amazing how much money is in fishing and for all that $ some of the guys didn't even catch a fish over the 3 day event. Man I do that just about any time I go out fishing and no one is paying me to not catch anything, if anyone from Mercury Marine or Lund is reading, I'll be willing to accept any sponsorship available.
Well, time for some of Wong's thoughts....
Here's my couple of comments this week. (and JC's responses, as usual)
As Hurricane Isabel journeys towards the Mid-Atlantic and apparently
Washington, people seem to be getting a bit apoplectic about the whole
thing. Congress is even shortening a work week in anticipation of it (a
good thing in my opinion). However, I don't quite understand it. All
I
know is it is suppose to rain alot and it may get a bit windy. (You
don't understand how much those of us living by the big lake don't care.
Of course I'm assuming the rest of us don't care but if I sound insensitive,
sorry, but I just don't feel bad for the lawmakers who seem to find a way to
take a day off if Beijing has a small earthquake or if someone in Missoula
sneezes or if Ted Kennedy gets lost late Saturday night while on a bender...)
What about the Vikings? For those who need counting, Daunte needs 19 more
fumbles to tie Kerry Collins record for most fumbles in the season.
But I
do have to actually agree with Tice that that last scoring drive was pretty.
(I do not need counting....and Dainty will indeed tie and break the record since
he has some of the best job security in the country. How many of you would
like to have the equivalent of Gus Frerotte as your backup....that's what I
thought)
So the Twins are entering the final two weeks of the season trying to win
the division and return to the playoffs. People may comment that they
should of gotten a power hitter and all that (I do admit Shannon Stewart was
a great deal). I'll just go by what former Twins manager Tom Kelly
keeps
saying time and time again, "you're only as good as today's pitcher."
(Quoting Minnesota sports god TK....atta boy Wong. Am I correct in
thinking that TK is the only coach to bring a championship to MN? Or did
the good old North Stars ever bring the cup home?)
And I just needed to get this off my chest since someone I work with keeps
getting after me about David Ortiz doing so well with the Red Sox after
being inconsistent with the Twins. If the Twins had the Red Sox lineup,
don't you have to pitch to him? (Excellent point. Ortiz is just
like the big dude in "Major League" he can hit a fastball a mile cause
he's bigger than David Boston, but throw him some junk and he's worthless as
David Boston.)
That's all for now, and yes Ben I still love you. (This could start a fight
uglier than Mosley/DeLaHoya)
Time to sign off for the night fellas.....hope it was worth it.
Need I say more?
BIGFFBL senior writer Jeremy Carlson sounds off whenever he feels like it on www.bigffbl.com