Nice Work Bison Division...
Time for my first real ramblings of the year. Although the Air JC camp is mourning this week, I will be tough and pull myself together to write a long enough column that I'll give you 4:1 that no one reads the whole thing....ok unless you are Smith, Juice, Wong or Jugs who only get 3:2 since they are in front of computers as much as I.
I'm typing this on Tuesday night, but you'll notice a theme.....mostly that I wrote some notes down as I was watching the "game" last night. So, be ready for a few Madden, Gruden, Sapp and Keyshawn comments. I only let you know in advance cause I hate 3 out of those 4 so much that I almost puke at the thought of them....so plan ahead accordingly. Ok, here we go.
How 'bout them Twinkies!?! I think the 12th and 16th anniversaries of the last championships sounds like a good year to once again bring it all home to a really cold parade down Hennepin in early November.
The Shannon "really, it CAN be a guy's name too" Stewart trade was magical. I think it was the best move made since Melissa Stark was hired by the Monday Night Football execs.
One concern.....Jesse Orosco? Did Pohlad play ball with him back in the day behind the little red school house or something? This is as questionable a move as not bringing back "Missy" to the MNF sidelines. (although Lisa Guerrero is a FINE option to come in from the bullpen)
So I say the Twinkies take the ChiSox and all their money. The key play will be in mid October as the two teams play a tiebreaking playoff game to see who makes the postseason. At the key moment, a looney south-sider will shoot Frank Thomas mistaking him for a rabid moose about to attack. Since I want to start a side theme, I'll go with odds......I'll give you 2000:1 if you really want to throw a buck at me.
MNF introductions.....who need a haircut/goatee trim worse, Donovan "Afro" McNabb or Jon "Whitefro" Ritchie?
How 'bout them Vikings!?! Shh....there's no "Randy Ratio", wink wink. Anyone else notice that Dainty still placed the ball on the ground twice in this game? 7:3 odds that Ben is thinking that I always find something wrong with the Vikes even when they win big at Green Bay.....yea, well you can't be satisfied or they'll go 1-15 (ok, not that bad, but hopefully they don't take the Bears too lightly). And by the way, who were the 11 gentlemen wearing purple and gold who occupied the field while Mr. Favre was throwing with a blindfold on? Whoever you are and whatever you did with the Vikings D....just keep it to yourselves and show up for about 20 more weeks, thanks.
1st Q. MNF 12:53 -- Horsecrap call by officials. Jurevicious made that catch and fumbled.
Best game of the weekend. Nope it wasn't on Sunday. It was Saturday night down in the retirement state. Miami over Florida. Amazing comeback or choke of the year....depending upon your viewpoint. I'll give 10:1 that Chris Leak (I think that's correct spelling) wins the Heisman in 3 years. The big question is....why didn't Dr. Juice have this game in the picks rotation?
Speaking of the college game. It needs more morals and ethics. I have even greater respect for Coach Tressel. After the week 1 spanking Ohio St. put on whoever that was, it was easy to say they didn't need Maurice "bound for Europe" Clarette, but after squeaking by Mid-north-central-western State U or whoever they played it would have been easy to pull the "cover-up" strings and get the Soph RB back in the silver and red. If the college game wants too not become just like college hoops it needs more leaders like Tressel.
1st Q. MNF 12:30 -- Tampa's D just got beat on a reverse. I didn't think that was possible under the current laws of physics.
Hey, it sure is a good thing the NFL has a nice long preseason to make sure the players are ready for the regular season (dripping with sarcasm). I'm sure glad the offenses of Miami, Indy, Cleveland, Green Bay, Baltimore and New England were ready to play in week 1.
1st Q. MNF 10:23 -- It is at this point I realize that Andy Reid is in fact as dumb as he looks. Now let's see, Philly has NO RB, WR or TE threat. They have the ball 1st and goal at the 1. You have a STUD QB (who also happens to be in the starting lineup of a certain BIGFFBL.com column writer). I played a little QB in high school and that over qualifies me to say that there are 3 plays that Reid didn't go with that would have worked, guaranteed. (1:2 odds). 1. BOOTLEG (naked preferably). 2. Shotgun QB DRAW. 3. How about a QB Sneak. Makes sense to even those of you not mentally skewed by having Dono on your roster, right? So what does the ex-O lineman do? they pull a fake FG and instead of taking a 3-0 lead over Tampa, they decide to let that skinny white backup QB throw to a ROOKIE wr who hasn't caught anything meaningful since he visited the brothels of Pahrump Nevada. Yea, so I think I'll fill out my application for Eagles head coach for 2004......it'll be open, believe me. (2:1 on that).
Speaking of NFL coaches and future available jobs in the continental United States. Don't you feel bad for Dave Wanstedt? Yea, me either. Big big big atta boy goes to Dom Capers and the Texans. They didn't give up ANY sacks to that "vaunted" Dolphins D.
I hate to say it but the Lions looked good. At least I can say "but....Arizona". Mooch, who by the way is a Yooper God along with Tom Izzo, just may be the man to get the Lions back to "Sanders-era" quality.
Priest = Superman
Plummer = Ouch. At least as a Cardinal he had an excuse.
Warner (I'm stealing this one)....his deal with the devil is officially over.
Big atta boy for Lawyer Milloy. He attempted to be loyal to the Patriots. They signed him to a contract they knew they would never pay. So he signed with their 1st week opponent, Buffalo no less, and proceeded to shut out his old squad and stick it to the high ups at NE.
Unfair fact #1....Simeon Rice and Donovan McNabb went to the same high school. I do not think that the state of Minnesota has ever had 2 athletes of that caliber playing the same sport at the same time much less on the same team. Unless you count Robbie Smith and Jon Carlson.....but I'm not so I don't know why you should be.
1st Q. MNF around 8:00 -- Dono's stats....1-5 1 Pass Yard. For those of you trying to figure that out on your slide rule that figures to 8-40 for a total of 8 pass yards for the game. Quality offensive coordination in philly. I think Allen Iverson could do a better job of play calling than this.
Oh and you can thank me for the Vikings win. Yep, I picked the Packers to win and I NEVER get the MN game right. Ever.
Question.....when does John Gruden's deal with the devil expire?
Brittney/Madonna. No comment other than, "wow".
It's now my 4th September in the Keewenaw and they 2003 snow watch has officially started. No, none yet, but I'll keep you posted. (10:1 it falls before the Lions are eliminated from the playoffs).
Whoa....I just saw that Simms kid on the sidelines. He has no place on a football field, much less wearing a jersey and filling a NFL roster spot. I mean really, how bad do you have to be to not be able to beat out Shaun "flash in the pan" King for the backup spot? (A rhetorical question but the answer is bad enough to not ever win a big game in college)
Most annoying commercial award thus far in the game......Bank One. I'd describe it but I'm sure we'll see it every Sunday and Monday for the next 3 months or so.
Hey....let's go Rails. (Hammer the Hawks...yea I know they don't play them yet, but gotta get that in there). 2-0 for PHS with the old ball coach getting W number 150. I'm glad I was a part of a few of those games.
And in my NFL preseason preparation, I found a new movie to go in "JC's top 5". The Godfather is absolutely awesome. I'm talking the original. The second one is ok but the first one is a definite must see.
Sign the apocalypse is upon us: Celine Dion has sold out her 1st 100 shows at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. (at about $100 a pop I think).
Please please please someone stop David Boston before he becomes either the second coming of "Fridge" Perry or that one kid on Willa Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Caution....first Madden reference dead ahead.
I think it must take the entire South Carolina cotton crop to clothe Madden for a MNF game. Seriously did you see that shirt? I think the reason all the Cambodian kids are making my shirts and pants is cause their parents must be too busy making clothes for Madden.
1st Q. MNF 1:21 -- Hey, a Thomas Jones "Affair" sighting.
Was that Sly wearing a Duce jersey? What shame that brings to the Stallone family.
Anyone hating watching Jimmy Johnson, Michael Irvin and Paul Zimmerman yet? It's only worth it cause of the weather girl on FOX and the aforementioned Lisa Guerrero on ESPN.
Play of the week: Sam "uel" Adams rumbling, bumbling and stumbling for 6.....get that man a lager.
Who is this A. Boldin? Someone tell that kid he's wearing the jersey with the red bird on his head and this isn't hardball in St. Louis.
Da Bears....suck. Da Bulls....suck. Da Cubs....wait a minute, this doesn't seem right.
2nd Q. MNF 11:51 -- That pesky short foreign guy wakes up the scorekeeper to put a triple up on the board...3-0 the champs (and I should have called it a night at this point).
Player I hate most: tie between Romo and Sapp. At least I'm not racist.
Wong has sent in a couple of thoughts.....so those of you still with me here give yourselves a pat on the back and if you make it through this next section go have a beer....you've earned it.
(Wong) I only have a couple of comments this week. (JC) Ben thanks you for
that.
So week 1 of the NFL season is over, there is only one thing I can say,
"Thank goodness." After leaving a meeting near the National Mall
last
Thursday hearing Britney Spears "perform" "Baby Hit Me
..One More Time" so
loud that that's all I was hearing in my head the next day, that was enough
by itself. But we have Al Michaels commenting off sweat from a center's
rear-end, very ugly looking performance by many teams (the Bungles don't
count), and generally very mediocre QB performances, I say that thank
goodness Week 1 is over. First off, Britney didn't "perform"
anything. She moved as someone else's voice, probably a large,
unattractive person, was blasted into your mind. As far as Al Michael's
comments....what he does in his spare time is his own business....not that there
is anything wrong with that. And you want to talk ugly, how about your
82-66 win over Air JC. I'm sure Jugs just loves that after losing with
100+.
I don't know what to make of this year's Vikings. I have a couple bets
that
they will win 9 games this year. I think the chances of that happening went
from 45-55 to 50-50. Conservative as usual. The Vikings will with 9 and
the odds on that are now 5:4.
I also saw Sunday's Vikes game at the ESPNzone with a friend of mine.
After
Daunte fumbled the ball in the second quarter, she asked me if Daunte had
small hands. As a person with small hands, should my manhood be insulted
by
such a trait? Just a thought. Whoa...."she"? So
many questions.....so many answers that should never be mentioned....EVER.
I recently had a book club meeting about "The Battle Cry of Freedom" a
book
about the Civil War. Somehow the discussion touched on the feminist critique
of warfare. Just think of how they would view these ideas: 1) Pickett's
Charge; 2) cannonball; and 3) pointed bayonets. That was the end of
the
discussion for this book. Book club? Unless you were asked, lured
or forced to attend by a person of the female gender, there is no acceptable
excuse to be doing such a thing. (and even with the girl excuse, she
better be a hottie) *note I have nothing against reading, but book clubs
just sounds weird, I thought that's why we have libraries*
That's all from Wong. So for those of you who made it this far I have a challenge for you. Email me questions during the week and I'll do a question/answer format for next week's column. For example, JC, why does chicken taste better when it is coated with a spicy red/orange sauce and consumed in front of an electrical device displaying approximately 22 men running around on a green plastic field?
Ok, no fancy endings....I'm tired.
Need I say more?
BIGFFBL senior writer Jeremy Carlson sounds off whenever he feels like it on www.bigffbl.com